"That doesn't sound like you."
Is what my momma told me this morning on the phone when I was telling her about my weekend at Created 4 Care.
This weekend was not a fun, warm fuzzy, picture takin' weekend.
It was a hard, lonely, emotional one.
Imagine a woman who can't bear children surrounded by 400+ momma's who all weekend are sharing their stories about their children, showing pictures on their phones to each other, laughing, taking pictures together in hopes of keeping up with each other later.
This is how I felt.
Listening to all the other adoptive mamma's go on & on about their travel experiences, the countries, the challenges they are dealing with now, when they are adopting next, share the pictures..
And then after they got finished my questions would come:
What country are you adopting from?
Me: Ethiopia
How long have you been home?
Me: We are waiting.
Oh, how long have you been waiting?
Me: Almost 5 months
Yes, we waited 2 years.
TWO YEARS
2.YEARS
And that was every other conversation I had or over heard.
Ethiopia....2.5 year wait....Ethiopia....2 year wait....Ethiopia....3 year wait......
This thought of this time in the waiting room being 6-12 months is not reality.
Listen, it could be, but the chances are not likely.
The hard core truth is that we are going to be waiting a loooooong time.
Before I knew it, I was becoming angry, bitter, JEALOUS, lonely & was ready to leave.
Sure there were 250+ other momma's there who were also in the waiting room along with me but the last thing I wanted to do go seek them out & encourage them to sit around with me and talk about how jealous I was. Who in the world would want to do that?
I knew my heart was showing on my face. I knew that it was becoming VERY obvious that everything I was feeling was being shown and I HATED it. How selfish of me to allow my sour state effect my friends who are rejoicing with fellow momma's and new friends over what the Lord has done for them, how He is still working all of their stuff for good & sharing those precious pictures of their blessings!
Saturday night I found myself around a corner by myself to escape the smiles & laughter, Bible in hand & called my husband.
I begin to tell him everything I was feeling, experiencing & how I just wanted to escape it SO BAD!
I was ready to come home.
He tried to encourage me & remind me that all of them had been exactly where I was at one point & knew how I was feeling & for me to remember all that the Lord had done thus far in our journey. His voice was encouraging alone.
We hung up & I just sat. I needed something from the Lord, I needed some encouragement from HIS Word.
I opened my Bible to Habakkuk, of all places, & began reading:
Even though the fig trees have no blossoms & there are no grapes on the vines,
even though the olive crop fails & the fields lie empty & barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields & the cattle barns are empty,
YET I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
Hab 3:17-19
This is exactly how I was feeling.
No blossoms, no grapes, failure, EMPTY, BARREN
But I KNEW I had to CHOOSE to rejoice.
And at the time, the last thing I wanted to do was rejoice.
It comes to the point where you choose to trump your feelings & beg the Holy Spirit to take over.
I had to read the words out.loud. Just reading them in my mind was not good enough.
I had to say them out loud.
When His name is said, the very atmosphere has to change.
And it.did for me in that moment. Thank you LORD.
He met me right there in that little corner, right in my bitterness, anger, jealousy, loneliness & gave me a Word of hope.
Even though my little pink blossom isn't here yet & the barn is feeling empty of a precious little girl, YET I will rejoice in the Lord.
Y'all the rubber is hitting the road.
We heard this weekend:
"Adoption is not an act, it's a process."
And this stripping away of me is a part of the process called: "Adoptification" aka sanctification through adoption.
I went back to our room filled with 2 momma's home with their China babies & one friend who came as a supporter to her best friend.
Side note: you do NOT have to be an adoptive momma to attend Created 4 Care. You can come as a supporter of someone you know who is adopting/has adopted. OR if you are praying about/considering adoption. I HIGHLY recommend you attend. This kind of real-life training/teaching is not in a book & not online.
I knew the Lord was doing a work. As I laid there in the bed Saturday night I literally felt like I was in a warzone. The enemy on one side & the Lord on the other. My flesh on 1 side & the Holy Spirit on the other and I COULD NOT get the upper hand. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't overcome the jealousy, the bitterness, the anger, the feeling of wanting to escape. Even with my Word He had just given me to help me in that moment I knew something else was needing to take place.
The next morning the Lord delivered the perfect message through our speaker.
He tends to do that.
Deliver just what you need at just the right timing.
Whether it's a word or a Lily.
She taught on the story of Hagar, you know, the Egyptian servant Sarai got Abram to sleep with so they could have an heir? Sarai became contempt (angry/jealous) with Hagar & treated her horribly so Hagar fled to the wilderness. Poor Hagar! This was not her fault! When she got to the wilderness the Angel of the Lord FOUND her (bc He sees right where we are), called her by Name (bc He knows our name) & asked her "where have you come from & where are you going?" The Angel proceeded to tell Hagar to return to Sarai, submit to her authority & added "I will give you more descendants that you can count." (Through her son Ishmael.) The Angel went on to be very honest with her & told her "this son of yours will be a wild man, as untamed as a wild donkey! He will raise his fist against everyone, yes he will live in open hostility with his relatives."
Then Hagar referred to the Lord as "El Roi" which means, "the God who sees" & she said "I have been seen by the One who sees."
Once you have been seen by The One who see's, it doesn't matter who else sees you.
So Hagar went back. Abraham & Sarah had their son Issac. He grew up & was about to be weaned so they threw a party. At the party Sarah saw Ishmael laughing & that same bitterness & anger rose up in her towards her Egyptian servant Hagar & Sarah had Hagar & Ishmael banished.
IMPORTANT PART:
Hagar & Ishmael ended up wandering in the wilderness & when the water was gone she made Ishmael go sit in the shade while she went a little ways off & began to pour her heart out to the Lord.
"I don't want to watch the boy die."
God heard the cries of the boy & said "Hagar, I have heard the boy crying, go to him & comfort him, for I will make a great nation from his descendants."
And here it is..............
"Then God opened Hagar's eyes........and she saw a well full of water....."
In her state of hopelessness Hagar had lost her vision. She could no longer see. She couldn't see what the Lord was doing. She couldn't fix her eyes on the promise He had made to her the first time in the wilderness: " I will give you more descendants than you can count."
When He opened her eyes, He opened her spiritual eyes & gave her vision.
He enabled her to see the movement she could not see.
Oh Lord this is what I need!! The reality of waiting for a possibility of years completely & utterly wipes out my vision. I'm being honest.
This is not something my husband's sweet words can encouragement me to get through.
This is not something my best friend who has been there & done that can get me through.
This is ONLY something the Lord can get me through and the realization of this IS HARD.
In my kicking & screaming on the inside, my flesh, wants to take over & become a hard hearted, bitter, jealous girl.
There is my confession.
Here is what I am asking the Lord:
Open my spiritual eyes so I can see the movement I can not see with my own eyes.
I want to perceive what You are doing.
I want to know what you are doing.
I want to be aware of your presence.
This picture of me coming to the END of myself & Him taking over is what it feels like.
And the scary part is that I know there will be more things to come to the end of but...
There.is.no.place.I'd.rather.be.
Becoming more like my Jesus is worth it.
And my daughter is worth it.
And His glory is worth it.
And knowing Him more is worth it.
That image of the man sculpting a tiger out of a block of wood comes to mind.
He see's the tiger before He even begins & chisels everything away that is not the tiger for the end result...
Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror but THEN we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but THEN I will know everything completely, just as God knows me completely.
1 Cor 13:12
May the things of Earth grow strangely dim in the light of His glory & grace,
Kim
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