Loss.

Her time arriving is coming closer and the pain and sadness she is fixing to experience is beginning to fill my heart.

We may be gaining her but she is loosing everything.

Her family. Birth momma/father/care taker/friends

Her country. Culture/Sights/smells/sounds/people/food

The loss of her family its self is overwhelming to think about.

She has not chosen to be an orphan.

Imagine if you were taken from the only "home" you've known all your life, to a country to permanently live in a home with a group of people, a different skin color from yours, people who speak a different language than you, eat different foods, dress differently, who are hugging and kissing all over you, rejoicing & crying over your arrival. Cameras in your face, new clothes on your body and all you REALLY want to do is run back to your all the things familiar & feel safe that were in your life.

I can't help but put myself in her place & wonder if any of these thoughts will come to mind.

The longing for the safety of the familiar.

Even if she comes from a "not so good" place by our definition. 

To her, it's all she's known.

I wonder exactly where she is right now as I'm typing this.

If she's even born yet. 

If she is still with her first momma, who is alive and well. 

Or if she is living in the streets. 

Or if she is being cared for by her grandmother who is ill and dying and is her last living relative to care for her.

I wonder how old she is.

I wonder if she has siblings or is an only child like me.

I wonder what all she has experienced in the short time she has been alive. Starvation/sickness.

I wonder if she has been hurt. By words or hands.

I wonder just how deep her pain will be.

Will I see it in her eyes?

Will she show it by her actions? Outwardly or by nothing at all.

One day she will ask me about her momma, her first momma. Lord give me the grace.

There will be moments in her life that I'm sure the wondering of who her first momma was will come across her mind.

What did she look like?

What did her voice sound like?
Did she sing to me?

How deep was her beauty?

Was she saved?

Will I see her again in Heaven?

Did she love me?

Did she want me?

Can you imagine not knowing these questions about the woman who gave birth to you?

The woman who carried you for 9 months. Who felt you move inside of her. Felt every hiccup. Every kick.

The women who's voice you heard and responded to even in the womb. The woman who went through excruciating pain to bring you into this world. The one who heard your first cry. The woman who fed you and bathed you....

This is a bitter sweet journey for her and she doesn't even know it.

So I'm praying for her heart already. The pain. The sadness. The loss.

I can not over look or try to fix, or make better, or cover and replace, take away or change.

Rest assured it is pain only my Jehovah Rapha, my Healer, can sooth and heal.

So when the day comes and she is finally "home" while my heart will be leaping for joy but it will also be mourning her loss.

I'm asking the Lord for wisdom. 

A knowing only given by the Holy Spirit as to when to hold and cry with, hold and listen to, hold and read the Word over and to love forever. And the grace to carry us through it all....

Baby girl you are being covered in prayer by your second momma already...

I love you.